Monday, December 7, 2009

Massage Parlor?

Well, I'm back. I'm so lame. I have had so many funny things that I didn't document since the candle ordeal and now it's been so long that I don't think they are funny anymore. Lame.

Anyways, in other happier news, Lisa got the postcard for this weekends 2 for 1 at Utah College of Massage Therapy, so naturally we signed up. I know you are thinking, Kate, you work full time and your are single, don't you just pay to go and get real massages? Nope, I'm too cheap. So off we went at 8 am to go stand in line with the other trashy/cheap people of SLC at UCMT. While we waited we were talking about if you would rather have a male or female and Lisa decided males because they are stronger. Luckily, fish got her wish and Lisa ended up with a male.... he was a tiny Hispanic man that couldn't have weighed more than 100 lbs sopping wet. But don't worry, he assured her he could do a good job because he "has 2 months of experience under his belt." Perfect, no need to worry then. I ended up with Erica who looked like Sharon Osborn with the hair of Kate Goslin. Erica did a nice job besides the fact that she was really stingy with the lotion so at points I was worried my skin was going to come off the bone, and she kept doing this weird move on my legs where it felt like she was trying to scrape water off my calf and feet, like a quick sweeping motion. It was weird, I didn't like it. But for $12.50 for an hour massage what can you really expect?

I got done first and as I was walking to the lobby feeling really good about my $12.50 experience when this random guy (he graduated from the program a few years ago and now does laundry for UCMT....not sure if I am putting a lot of stock into this program) asked if me and my friend wanted to go again. Apparently they needed more people....so it turned into a 4 for 1 situation. Naturally I signed Lisa and I up for a round 2. This time I ended up with a great girl (who was liberal with the lotion) but my massage was extremely hard to enjoy due to the man next to me. If you have never been to UCMT this might be hard to understand, but you aren't in rooms. You are pretty much in a giant room with curtains dividing. AKA, no talking. He was asking the girl, where she was from, how long she had been with the program, what do you want to do after etc.....and not whispering. Also, it was extremely distracting because he made lots of noises, noises I would only expect to hear at a place called "Happy Ending Massage Parlor." Honestly, there couldn't have been more moaning, heavy breathing, and on several occasions he said, oh yeah, it hurts so good. It was gross. Then to top it off, he said, "Sorry about my belly noises, I had Greek for breakfast." At that point I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my massage therapist and she had to stop massaging because we were laughing too hard.

All in all a quality experience.....and FYI the 2 for 1 goes again this weekend. Think about it.

13 comments:

Karrissa Winward said...

Oh I have missed your stories!

Kasi French said...

You kill me!

Marci and Adam said...

so glad you are back.... now keep it up.

Chelsi said...

don't go away again!! ew ew ew ew!!! what a creepster! sometimes my masseuse tries to talk to me, it's annoying. and i say my masseuse loosely. i have a woman i go to regularly after seizures because she gives me a discount and i manage her website. i'm cheap too.

Jenny or sometimes Bozo said...

I guess I should have checked blogs before emailing you. Glad to hear that your life is still "normal."

Hali said...

Oh how I have missed your stories! (I read this in my Kate-in-my-head voice.) It was hysterical!

Welcome back blogger!

Julie Knowlton said...

{Sigh}....Welcome back, girlfriend. You have been missed.

I once received a massage from an over sized man wearing sweats and tennis shoes with poo on them. Yes, poo. And it wasn't even at UCMT, meaning I paid more than $12.50 for that poo massage.

But your story is better.

The Ollies said...

Glad you're back. When are you gonna email me? Maybe next year!? Have fun on your trip!!!

Mel said...

It's about freaking time you updated! You always make me laugh. I love massages and need one right now! Loved your story!

Gaengy said...

Never leave this blog disappointed! You have the gift of telling a story! Wish I could go for the 2/1 deal this weekend...are you going again?

hot garlic said...

Hilarious. That is just so wrong. Did you get a look at him after? I pity you, but I pity his masseuse more!

AnneMarie said...

Oh my Katie, you make me laugh out loud!! Thx.

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